27 November 2006

Building Rules

An earlier post in this Blog was a tongue-in-check, humourous narrative entitled "Rules of the Road: Indian Style":

Meant in the same light hearted vein, below is a list of Buildings Rules and Regulations. This is particularly apt as Tiruvannamalai is currently in the throes of building fever. Everyday something new is going up. PLEASE REMEMBER THIS IS A SATIRE NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY

Building Rules
Be advised that pursuant to 1st of November 2006, the following regulations are in effect:

112.3 All previous codes are herewith null and void.

112.4 All plans for buildings must be submitted within 10 (ten) years of completion of construction or before the building crumbles to dust, whichever comes first.

112.5 All buildings taller than two stories must have a lift shaft; HOWEVER, it is not required to actually put in a lift.

112.6 Maintenance fees are not to exceed 1% of the total purchase price of flats, except for NRIs, who may be charged 2.5%. In the case of foreign nationals, the sky's the limit.

112.7 Maintenance fees have no relation to maintenance. Maintenance is defined as anything the builder feels like doing, whenever he feels like doing it. Or not.

112.8 The builder shall be responsible for fixing all cracks and water leaks for a period of 6 (six) months hours after buyer moves in.

112.9 All plumbing fixtures must be guaranteed to leak after the first week of use.

113.0 Builders must supply electrical outlets on at least two walls in every room; HOWEVER, it is not required to actually have them connected to any wires.

113.1 All fans must have at least 5 (five) speed settings of which 2 (two) maximum function.

113.2 Whenever possible, light bulb outlets are to be placed so they will either (a) be so low as to be struck by the tenant's head during normal activities, or (b) so high as to be impossible to change even when standing on a chair.

113.3 At least half (half) of all slide bolts must be off-line.

113.4 Every wall must have a minimum of 2 (two) pointless holes in it.

Kitchen counter areas must be at a height appropriate for either a midget or an NBA basketball player.

113.6 Any kitchen with 2 (two) counter areas must have them be at least 1 (one) meter difference in height.

113.7 No kitchen shall be designed with space for a refrigerator.

113.8 Sinks, bathtubs, and bathroom floors must be angled so they will not drain completely.

113.9 No 2 (two) adjoining rooms shall have their floors at the same level.

114.0 Closets are illegal.

114.1 All paint materials must be diluted with water to a minimum 4:1 ratio to insure consistent streaking and easy viewing of subsequent mildewing.

114.2 Doorway measurements shall be based on the average height of a full-grown male in the 1500s.

114.3 Only unseasoned wood may be used on doors to insure warping during the first rains.

115.0 No building shall be erected further than 1 (one) meter from the neighbouring building. Any new structure which does not completely block the view of the adjacent structure shall be deemed in noncompliance with 115.0. "Completely block the view" is defined as cutting off air currents as well as light.

115.1 All new buildings must have at least 2 (two) underfed dogs on the premises to insure adequate barking, howling, and whining at night so no tenants get a sound sleep. Older buildings may keep 1 (one) dog.

115.2 All deliveries of heavy goods and construction materials to be done between the hours of 11:00 P.M. and 3:00 A.M. for same reason as 115.3

115.3 During times of drought and electric cutbacks, water and power cuts shall occur during 12:00 and 6:00 P.M., the hottest hours of the day, for maximum discomfort.

115.4 All watchmen and their families shall be paid the lowest possible salaries so as to make them vulnerable to enticements by dacoits attempting to ascertain when owners are away.

116.0 Updated Earthquake Safety Standards: Hereon, all new constructions must be able to withstand a tremor registering 2.5 on the Richter scale for 6 (six) seconds before crumbling into jagged hunks of masonry and crushing all inhabitants.

116.1 No building may be constructed on any property which the builder actually owns or has permission of the landowner to build on. This will allow that after years of costly lawsuits enriching local lawyers and judges, the building can be emptied and flats resold to a new group of gullible buyers.

117.0 Any tenant feeling the builder has not fulfilled his contractual commitments in a timely manner shall put their complaint in writing and then wait for a period not to exceed the life of the tenant by more than 25 (twenty-five) years.

120.0 Any or all of these regulations may be changed without notice at anytime, for no apparent reason.


Divyakka said...

I laughed and laughed at this "satire," which turns out to have many true points from actual constructions in most places in India!

Arunachala Living said...

Well you should enjoy it Divyakka -being that you were its original source. But I wonder - who in fact wrote it?

Anyhow very funny and although a satire lots of biting truths in it.

Divyakka said...

I got it from a Puttaparthi resident and will see if we can trace its origin!

Arunachala Living said...

Whoever wrote it is a genuis. They have hit the bullseye - its so perfect! I wonder whether the same person also wrote the Indian Rules of the Road? Both articles seem to display the same sense of humour - sooo funny!